Santa HATES Halloween

Captain’s Log.  Diaper Date 2237.  Daddy Chronicles.  Recently, I was completing a shopping trip at our local grocery store.  Part of my mission was to, perhaps, locate, select, and purchase Halloween paraphernalia with which to adorn our home.  You see The Eldest loves dressing up the house.  It doesn’t really matter what the season is as long as it involves window decals, lights of some sort, and inflatable characters to populate my lawn and then my garage.

As would be expected, the Halloween section is close to the entrance of the store.  As I did not expect, and much to my chagrin and joy (we can call it my “chajoy”) the Halloween stuff was already on sale and consolidated to a smaller aisle.  Now the Captain knows what you are thinking – it must be that the Halloween stuff was nearly sold out.


Well, then it must be that they were simply making room for the Thanksgiving stuff because Halloween is only a few days away.


It was because there were three aisles of Christmas stuff already encroaching upon the joy of Halloween.

Christmas.  In October. Before Halloween.  Before Thanksgiving.  Before the World Series has been decided. Christmas.

Now, don’t misunderstand The Captain – Christmas is his favorite holiday of the year.  If half of the generosity and good will that is given during that season was replicated for a portion of the year,  it is The Captain’s true opinion that we would solve world hunger and homelessness.  Christmas is an amazing time of year.  However, retail Christmas before Halloween is taking advantage of my goodwill towards men (and women).

I understand that by stocking the shelves early, it gives even the Little Drummer Boy an opportunity to make sure he has some gifts to bring (Ba rump ba ba bum), but do the retail mavens really need to invade Halloween?

And then it hit me –

Santa hates Halloween.

He must.  That can be the only answer.

There is a hierarchy in the retail holidays, and sitting upon the throne of that hierarchy is the jolly old elf himself.

Does he feel the pressure of Halloween?

He has already circumvented the Thanksgiving spirit by opening stores for Black Friday on Black Thursday evening – cutting off the joy, relaxation, and food intoxication of one of the greatest family holidays ever.  I get why Thanksgiving is a threat, but Halloween?

There are a million reasons why Santa should love Halloween.  It is a day that he doesn’t have to gallivant around in a disguise to mix in with the people.  I mean, truly, he could saunter around in his red get-up and even have an elf or two in tow, and he would be the hit of any costume party.

Also – if he found himself underweight, all he would have to do is send a few elves out to tour those really good neighborhoods – you know, where they hand out the whole candy bars instead of the bite size ones that I pass out – and he could surely collect enough candy to get him back up to his sled riding weight.

One would also think that it would make filling out his Naughty/Nice list pretty easy based on the costumes that people choose to wear.

Maybe he doesn’t like the color scheme?

Maybe he hates pumpkins.

Maybe Santa is afraid of black cats.

Maybe he is intimidated by the spike in bag snatching during the Halloween season.

I don’t understand what his beef with Halloween is, but pretty soon he is going to start displaying his wares on the shelves after Memorial Day.  Or “Back to School” sales will become “Back to Santa” sales.

Or maybe I am wrong.  Maybe Santa has no agenda.  Maybe it is just us trying to squeeze a few more bucks out of old Saint Nick.

All I know is that I am open to the spirit of Christmas being spread any time of the year, but I am not ready for the retail of Christmas. Not yet.

With that in mind, I exited the grocery store with some Martha Stewart Halloween wall decals (I didn’t know Martha got down with the witch, but it was 50% off), two bags of Halloween candy, and two sets of Halloween lights.

As I passed the plastic, light-up Santa, he seemed to smile knowingly and almost appeared to turn up his nose at my selection.  He knows that the next time I will be back the Halloween stuff will be gone. Maybe his elves take it all.  However it happens, it must make him happy because I am convinced that retail Santa hates Halloween.

I have no proof.  It is a tenuous theory at best – a simple Monday Musing.

What do you think, Poop Deck Community?  Is retail Santa simply trying to make a statement by announcing his presence? Or does Santa, in fact, hate Halloween.

That’s it for now….Captain out.


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