There are many things that those parenting classes don’t prepare you for. Sure you learn little things like how to change a diaper, how to burp a baby, and how to use a car seat, but there are dire details that they skip over.
Like how bad vomit really smells. So bad that you can nearly taste it. Gross. I know.
Or the fact that when your baby blows through a diaper you find yourself washing your hands for hours like Lady Macbeth unable to remove the stench from your hands.
There are many other things too, but perhaps the biggest topic not covered? Toys. Yes, toys. Parents need to be warned. The toys that make noise, that light up, that move – they are real cute when you are in the store, having a baby shower, or a birthday party for your children. However, what you don’t realize is that these very same objects will haunt you. When you least expect it.
Like in the bathroom.
So I’m not going to paint a vivid picture here because it is a family show, but suffice to say nature called and I was simply answering her beckoning.
I found myself walking in the first floor bathroom, I turned on the light, closed the door, began to pay the water bill when suddenly I am greeted by the Imperial March. Except it sounded like someone was gargling the Imperial March. Which may be one of the most disconcerting sounds in what you think is an empty restroom.
I froze. And that’s when I noticed that someone had stuck the mighty Furbacca on the sink in the bathroom.
Who does that? Kids do.
For those unaware. Furbys interact with you. And they don’t stop making noise until you put them to sleep, which, ironically, is about as difficult as putting a real baby to sleep or winning a game of Zelda. It is a complicated sequence of events that apparently one of my children gave up on and simply decided to stuff the Furbacca in the bathroom for toy solitary confinement. Yet no one told me.
Truth be told, if there is a place a for a toy to scare the you know what out of you, I guess the bathroom is the place for that to happen.
In the meantime, I have deactivated the mighty Furbacca by removing its batteries until further notice, and declared all bathrooms to be Furbacca free zones.
If you would have told me 9 years ago that one of my duties as a parent would be restricting Furbacca from any and all bathrooms, I would have laughed at you. Now? I realize that this is a missed opportunity and a topic that parenting classes should cover – right along with bare feet and Legos.
Always know where your Furbaccas are. I am the Captain and I approve this message.
May the Force (but not the Furbacca) be with you. Always.
Captain…out.