Standardized Tests for Parents?

We are approaching the second standardized testing session of the year for students. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if parents had to take a standardized test?

In honor of the approaching testing week the Captain has helped to develop the first ever standardized test for parents.  We shall call it the Daddy Aptitude Test Evaluation, or D.A.T.E. for short.  Moms, you can take it too, I just went with the dad acronym because I’m a dad – and the other acronym options didn’t work out as well.

At any rate, get your pencils ready.  Here we go:

1.  Draw, using the appropriate portions, the new food plate (formerly known as the food pyramid).  Extra credit for color coordinated pictures.

2.  What is the best way to get a child to nap?
A.  Run them on the treadmill.
B.  Read them a book.
C.  Buy sheep for them to count.
D.  Bribe them with candy.

3.  At what age is it still appropriate to spell things like “candy”, “ice cream”, and “pizza”?
A.  3
B.   4
C.   12
D.   Our parents still spell things, so there is not expiration date.

4.  Your child loses their favorite teddy bear.  What is the appropriate response?
A.  You should have left Santa one more cookie.
B.  Teddy Bear sleeps with the fishes.
C.  We will buy another one.
D.  Use a Jedi mind trick, “You never had a teddy bear.”

5.  The baby cries in the middle of the night.  Do you –
A.  Feign deep sleep, drool, and let your partner get the tot.
B.  Get the baby.  Change her diaper and hide it in your partner’s car.
C.  Roll over, shake your partner awake, and go back to sleep.
D. Change the baby and rock her back to sleep.

6.  In a five paragraph essay, explain how the wipe warmer is symbolic of parenthood.

7.  A toddler leaves the east side of room crawling at a rate of 5 feet per second.  A second toddler leaves the west side of the room walking at 2 feet per second.  Considering there is a pile of legos, a train, and a dog that licks people, where will the two toddlers meet?

8.  Compare and Contrast disposable diapers and cloth diapers.

Well, I think that is all for now.  Hopefully, you all passed.  If you didn’t, then know this – it is not the first time you won’t know all the answers.  That is the most humbling and freeing thing about being a parent.  You don’t always know the answers.  Despite all the books written about parenthood, none have been written about YOUR child (unless you have written it).  Take heart in knowing that you are not alone.

The most important standard?  When you don’t know the answer, or when you do get it wrong, don’t quit.  Chances are, others have also made the same mistake, or sought the same answer.  Don’t be afraid to ask.

What question(s) would you add to our test? Leave your questions in the comments below.

Here’s to learning.  Remember, we are all in permanent Beta Testing, so there’s no shame in your “score”. Whether you are a standard deviation above or below the median score, the truth is there is always more to learn.

A version of this post originally appeared on lifeofdad.com. You should check out that site. I am a proud member of the LoD community. 

Captain…out!